Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Karachi Life - A Gay Man's Diary, Part II

"Pakistan Paindabad has set others a model of what a blog/site should be."
Late Khalid Hasan, US correspondent for the Lahore-based Daily Times and The Friday Times
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Karachi Life - A Gay Man's Diary

Being gay in Pakistan's biggest metropolis.

[Text by Jalaluddin; imaging by Mayank Austen Soofi; the picture is not of the author]

These are edited excerpts from Jalaluddin’s Tuzk e Jalali.

04 Rajab ul Murajjab 1430
Slowing Down

From now on I'll be blogging very irregularly. One of the reasons is the fear elicited by the fact that my blog has been quoted in the Indian and American online sites. The closet door is being banged at very hard. I have come out of the closet to my family and friends but that does not mean that I am ready to do it officially. Not in Pakistan. Sorry.

22 Rabi ul Awwal 1430
Good News

Ok. Ok. Ok. Depression is over. Thank God.

21 Zilhaj 1429
Let Me Go

I am in my depression phase again. I guess this has become so common for me that I can talk about it with a reasonable amount of detachment. With all the anger and hatred targeted at my parents, even though I came out to them, they keep pestering me to get married. They did not let me move out of the house, even though I could have.

I don’t think I can forgive them. There is this feeling of having lost five years of my life fighting with my parents on this one topic. It is a very long period of life, and I felt I was caged. I want my time back. I'm angry with myself for not having the courage to tell my parents that even if it would hurt them, and they might disown me, I want to live alone.

See, I wanted to be happy. I just thought that being parents they would allow me to make the choices that would direct my life. They did allow it, but on the other hand my mother cried every time I mentioned it.

All I can hope for is that during this bout of depression, I don’t end up with cut marks on the wrist like the last time.

[Click here to read the first part of the diary]

4 comments:

free faller said...

please don't cut yourself.you're a sweet heart whether you want to acknowledge it or not.you care so much about what everyone else wants!i see that you're stuck,and can't move forward nor backward.But you can find a way if you look hard enough for it.Be patient and wait for something good to happen.Do you realise that you are the voice for SO MANY other gay pakistanis,who like you,are hiding in the closet(probably much worse of than you)?you writing this diary has made me realise how gay men feel.i'll be sooo kind to them now.thank you for sharing your thoughts with us all.and no, i'm not an editor and i won't be publishing this or anything.so relax :)

Anonymous said...

you know... homosexuality is haram.

Aminson said...

Please...I know where you are coming from...you've been such an inspiration...I can safely say that I'm more than ten years younger than you and I am sure I'm gay...don't get married. I love my family more than anything, but I would never give up my identity and ruin some poor girl's life as well by getting married as a gay man...please, fly somewhere else...go away...this way your parents can't complain about you're 'gayness' ruining their reputation...please, please go away...

ibrahumjohn said...

See, i am 16. i am gay too. but listen, this world's life is nothing as compare to your immortal life after the judgement day. i cant think of what u r feeling right now but MARRY SOMEONE FOR ALLAH'S SAKE, IF NOT FOR YOUR MOTHER'S. if you will make your mom happy, Allah will be happy too. and when allah is happy, he will automatically make your life easy. trust Allah, who is better saver than him?